One Band-Aid, three Tic-Tacs, one wire coat hanger, 2.5 ounces of Silly Putty and — BOOM! There’s your stupid bipartisan budget deal. (Note: The aforementioned contents can be found in Rep. Michele Bachmann’s briefcase.)
Don’t ever question a bemulleted man who casually walks around with a cruiser missile on his shoulder.
Doogie Howser, M.D.
Dr. Howser accomplished more by age 16 than most politicians have in their entire career. The Doogs bangs out a budget on his lunch break, saves some lives in the afternoon, then writes a bitchin’ journal entry about it before bedtime. Just another day in the life of a fictional child prodigy.
Michelle wins support of both parties with paralyzing cuteness and well-timed one-liners. (Think: Vice President Joe Biden as a girl toddler.) Need a quality compromise? You got it, dude.
Smooth talker hails from the Windy City, so he’s no stranger to getting things done by any means necessary. Plus, he’s wildly popular with the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads — they all adore him. (They think he’s a righteous dude.)
Not only is Preppie a shrewd negotiator, he’s blessed with the ability to stop time when faced with gridlock. Deadline? Zack Morris laughs at your stupid Fiscal Cliff deadline. Let’s take a timeout and work a deal.